University Staff Assessments
Years ago I liked to 'whine bitch and complain' about people whom I do not know talking about me in the third person everywhere. (you little boys from Sunshine will like this one)
Among those who were 'strangers' to me was a man who used to live near me, just around the corner in fact, on T.St.W. Now this man I did not know, and I still don't actually know him, but I DO know some things about him that he does not know that I know.
Anyway, just recently this man who I do not, and did not know, and who does not actually know me, walked past me, looked right at me but was quite expressionless. But then he shook his head, which he lowered slightly, in the negative fashion. A sort of tsk, tsk kind of thing. He actually said nothing at all and then walked away. This man has performed for me a number of times.
So, given just that one little scene there, as is, what does it mean?
What was the man doing in relation to me?
What does the man think he is doing?
What do I think he was doing?
Did he mean for me to see him?
Is this one of the times he knew that I saw him or one of the times HE believed he was 'hidden' from an 'inferior'?
Was this one of the times when someone like him is pretty much acting out his feelings about something while being oblivious to me?
Is he the neighbour of a psychiatric hospital staff member who lives on the same street?
Is he her husband perhaps?
Does he know everything about what went on in the psychiatric hospital in relation to me but is keeping it 'secret' like everyone else involved?
Does he think he knows everything but really he doesn't ?
Tell you what...talk that over amongst yourselves just like you have been doing for the last fifteen YEARS or so and see if you can come up with a consensus reality. I am sure that my protagonist expects that you will as you always have so far.
In a week or so, I will come back to this post and give you a little information added and you can see if your consensus reality still holds water....(no literal water involved in that, statement nor is it a metaphor for pee, so don't go off on any of your psych class tangents now; we wouldn't want to have to call any of the ACTors to save you from your thought disorder now would we?
Addendum:
This man is one among many, just like him, who has acted out for me, stories and opinions about everything that was going on with me as defined by the psychiatric hospital staff and the university. I used to ride on the same bus with him and often around the same times back when I was still given a full day's work.
Like many others, which continues to be true now, he sometimes discussed me when he did not actually KNOW who I was. I, of course, have always known who I am, even though I am never personally consulted on that. Another of those people discussing me and what was going on was the late Jay Newman, though when I first heard what he was saying, I did not know his name either. In other words, both these people and many, many others just like them, expressing their opinions of me, were 'strangers' to me. Are you with me so far?
So I have heard many things he does not know that I have heard, and some of them I have heard from others with whom he has discussed me. Among the things I have heard is that this man has offered others his opinion on my sexual identity and performance. This one has allegedly voted for hetero. Now without even dwelling on the inappropriate behaviour in this based on the topic, I want to point this out and then I want all of you to multiply that behaviour by hundreds or thousands of people I do not know at all, doing pretty much the same thing. Got the feel for that OK? Does it feel pretty pushy and boundary violating to you yet?
OK well...that's not really the point I am making even though I consider it to be a good one.
There are a couple of points I am making here. The big point is this one: This man's behaviour is what is denied to exist by psychiatry along with everyone else 's just like his. This GROUP behaviour is what gets 'diagnosed' in people like me as OUR paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations. Do you think you would be angry if this was done to you?
While it invalidates my perception and feelings about my own experience, it ALSO supports and enables the group-think and behaviour. THAT is what works so well to maintain the dysfunctional status quo.
It is most likely that this man, like most of those who believe they have the right to offer their two cents worth on my value, is quite put out by my lack of friendliness towards him. Perhaps if he like most of you, became a bit more self aware, it would not seem to be too much of a mystery anymore and some may even marvel that I have managed to NOT scream in their faces about their abuses and covering up.
I know his name now too as I finally saw him on the job. I first saw where he worked about two years ago when I found some more information on est. He works at the university library front desk.
Now if the rest of you were to stop defining the limits of my awareness for me as 'less than' and were to discover that I have a whole lot of information about what is going on here, and often I even have MORE of that any of you, how would the original part of this post change in meaning for you as a result of that?
Does added information change YOUR perceptions of 'reality'?
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