...Breaking The Chains and Ending the Cycle


On Scapegoating


Dysfunctional groups of all types employ scapegoating as a means of blowing off suppressed emotions. Socially sanctioned targets are selected and used by a usually non verbal, but sometimes verbal, agreement.  This is a very effective method for releasing emotional pressure, for the whole group especially since the reason for it is denied. Better still is the tautology created which keeps it all going when the scapegoating itself is denied to exist and claimed by the group to be a perception/reaction problem the scapegoat is having which justifies the treatment of the group.

Nothing keeps a dysfunctional system going like keeping it closed to external interference or examination. The scapegoat can then be 'fixed' for complaining about his/her artificially constructed and imposed social position which has now been denied to even exist. Fixing the complainer for complaining is now socially sanctioned as well.

All escape routes are then successfully blocked.


When Does Con-fidentiality or Privacy
 Become Secrecy?


When the people keeping it all Con-fidential are doing so to protect themselves, and their own interests, while allowing their victim(s) to pay the ongoing price for it.

Ontario Provincial Police
Warns Public About Website
 March 2010

Ontario Provincial Police (OPP) in cooperation with the Ontario Corrections Intelligence Unit are warning the public about certain criminal websites possibly being used by thieves to break into your home when you are away. These websites used by criminals are linked to popular social networking websites. On these social networking websites (which are legitimate) you can update your profile to inform your friends as to when you are away from your residence and for how long. Certain criminal websites extracts this information and posts it on its pages and informs their users in any part of the world which houses are empty and at what times. When you consider how many millions of people use social networking websites around the world, the effects can be huge. The public is reminded that items posted on social networking websites are available to all on the web and not all persons on the web are “friends”. Please restrict what you put on your networking page(s) including photos of your residence/address, photos of vehicles including plate numbers and any up to the minute information as to your whereabouts, keep that for your local friends/people you know personally.


The Most Common Inappropriate Affect?


I believe that would be the laughter of the presumably ‘normal’ and sane folk as they treat the destruction of an individual’s life, mind and all around well being, as if it was entertainment.'

It is the favourite reality show for the mindless masses who consider themselves to be representational of mental ‘health.’



We Regret to Announce the Death of:
Alice Miller, Psychoanalyst, Dies at 87;  



Related Many Problems to Parental Acts
Alice Miller, a psychoanalyst who repositioned the family as a locus of dysfunction with her theory that parental power and punishment lay at the root of many human problems, died at her home in Provence on April 14. She was 87.

For full article click on the link in her name


The Answer to the Question,We Ask Our Covert Controllers-- WHY are You Doing This to Me?
Download free PDF file by clicking on the question below

Self Serving Denial

A Neat Trick

By Patricia Lefave, Monophrenic

Psycho-spiritual abuse [1] has a kind of self serving trick to it.

The abuser of this type which is most common, convinces him/herself that this is all right as long as the one being abused does not KNOW s/he is being abused. This is of course the real starting point of the 'delusion' which is in the abuser, yet is rarely seen in that way.

To achieve the desired effect, the psycho-spiritual abuser ignores the question asked by the target of the abuse, "WHY are you doing this to me?"

You see the definition of 'this' is the splitting point between abuser and abused.

The abuser shifts the meaning of the victim's question from being "why are you abusing me BY trying to get a distress reaction, through taunting and harassing me? " to "Why are you taunting and harassing me?" That way, the abuser can convince him/herself that s/he is the 'superior' one and that is both the premise for his/her action AND the goal.

You see this kind of abuser believes his/her target is too 'stupid or crazy' to KNOW or understand the perfectly obvious motivation of the abuser. On a certain level that may be partly true, as the victim may NOT understand what motivates someone to so obviously enjoy abusing others without cause. But the abuser does not understand a couple of things. One of things the abuser does not understand is that s/he is actually projecting his/her OWN stupidity/insanity/lack of awareness onto his/her victim. S/he also does not understand that his/her lack of awareness, of the victim's awareness of HIM/HER, is actually the abuser's delusional reversal.

What most victims, myself included, have really not understood is that we cannot penetrate irrationality with rationality. Logic does not penetrate illogic. It is like speaking in two different languages. We may be using the same WORDS but we do not mean the same thing. The context changes the meaning.

Dealing with abusers who ENJOY what they do is like being in two different worlds or like being from two different planets. When psycho-spiritual abuse victims break under pressure, which is most often when a whole group of people get involved in these kinds of relationships with the original pair, and then they 'side' with the abuser, psychosis/breakdown may well be the result for the victim who is not being seen AS the victim. These results often bring a happy smile to the face of the abuser with the hidden agenda. Often, only the abused and the abuser really understand why the abuser is smiling. That is when the victim's question to the abuser, "Why are you doing this to me?" gets answered. That smile is the answer.

S/he is doing it for the feeling, the rush of POWER s/he gets from his/her self delusion, the manipulating and controlling of the victim, often though others, in a way that no one else understands. It makes him/her feel 'superior' to do so and that is the only 'reason' the abuser needs to justify the abuse.

Reason or logic has nothing whatsoever to do with it. So when we ask him/her "why?" the abuser does not understand the question. The abuser thinks the question itself 'proves' the victim is 'stupid/crazy and therefore 'deserving' of what s/he is getting. Self serving justification is the abuser's "game." S/he's not from our planet.[2]

The language of psychosis is the dream, or more often, nightmare, state which expresses this in symbolic form, from one side of it or the other. That is why we see it as a battle between good and evil, God and the Devil, the Truth and the Lie; a kind of collective Armageddon of the souls of humanity. In it we hear all the voices of the terrified and the terrorists, the afflicted and the ones doing the afflicting. The symbolism of it though is most often very accurate as a metaphor for concrete REALITY, a reality that is not seen or understood by the majority, who tell the abused one, "But so you not see? The one you claim is abusing you in some way would have no REASON to do so."

Whether you hear that statement as a positive one or a negative one depends upon your point of view and the premise of belief to which it is attached.

It is either a statement of denial of the abuse and the negation of the victim's 'claim' that it exists...."because people are only treated badly by others if the abuser(s) has some reason to behave that way, therefore there is NO abuse" or it is the assessor(s) of the situation failing to see what is right in front of them, that "There is no REASON in what the abuser is doing; it is irrational, and that 'reason' has nothing to do with it."

The judgement the abuse victim gets from others will depend upon the beliefs of the ones 'assessing'' and evaluating' the situation and 'reason' of the original pair. Rarely is actual concrete evidence part of that judgement in cases of psycho-spiritual abuse. That is because when there is no physical evidence of abuse, like blood, or broken bones, or bruises, it is hard to prove. It is hard to see something that is psycho-spiritual in nature.

Perhaps those judging it might then consider giving up any judgement at all of one or the other, judge based on principle alone, and just assume that protection of the alleged victim would be better than labelling him/or her 'crazy' since doing the latter may well be an act that supports and enables the abuser by blaming the victim for the abuse. You might also give up the silencing of the victims "voices" as a 'solution.' In uncertain or unclear situations, "I don't know what is going on between these two" may just be the best answer for both of them. For at least that way, the victim doesn't 'lose,' the abuser doesn't 'win,' and those of you doing the assessing and evaluating don't make devastatingly destructive, or even sometimes deadly, mistakes.

[1] The kind that is considered to be 'hard to prove"

[2] Metaphorically speaking.


Assholes- The Next Generation-

             Keep performing for us

I found this book VERY helpful and I think many of my readers will too. It is not new, but new enough that it may still be available in libraries.

A Few Words and Phrases From:


Emotional Blackmail

By Susan Forward, PhD.



“Why can’t I ever get my point across?...Blackmailers can skillfully mask the pressure they are applying to us, and often, we experience it in ways that make us question our perception of what’s happening…Yet, no matter how different they appear on the surface, they all have major traits in common…

…The people we are coming up against in these can’t-win situations are skilled manipulators.


Chapter 1:

Diagnosis: Emotional Blackmail

Sub section:  What’s the real motive?

If someone’s primary goal is ‘to win…’ There’s no balance of power…


Chapter 2:

The Four Faces of Blackmail:

Punishers, Self Punishers, Sufferers and Tantalizers.


3. Their Blind Spots—and Ours

“…They genuinely believe in the correctness of what they are doing and the rightness of what they want…They tend to fuse and enmesh themselves with those around them.


Chapter 4:

(My own favourite Chapter: I feel like I could also name this one “Psychiatric Blackmail: tools of the trade’, since it fits so well)


Tools of the Trade:

Sub headings

The Spin Doctor, Confusing Labels, Making us ‘Bad’, Pathologizing, What’s Wrong with YOU?, Dangerous secrets, Enlisting Allies, Bringing in Fresh Troops, Calling on a Hidden Authority, (God, psychiatrists etc.) Negative Comparisons (to others who are ‘better’ than you because they co-operate)

‘…The ‘spin involves applying adjectives—positive ones to the blackmailer and the compliant target; negative ones to the person who resists… The experience is disorienting…we begin to internalize the blackmailer’s questions about our perceptions, our character, our worth, our desirability, our values. We are trapped in a dense FOG…We buy into the spin because we want our friends, lovers, bosses and family members to be right and good, not mean unfeeling or oppressive…


Sub Heading

It’s All About Them

…‘All the blackmailers we’ve seen are focused almost totally on THEIR needs, THEIR desires; they don’t seem to be the least bit interested in OUR needs or how their pressure is affecting us. Blackmailers can be like steamrollers when we don’t satisfy them, becoming ruthless in their single minded pursuit of their goals…It is a strange kind of love that is so blind to the target’s feelings…


Making Mountains Out of Molehills

Sub heading

Teaching us a Lesson


…’Insults an infantilizing are similarly explained away with the, ‘it’s for your own good rationale… there are attractive payoffs to clinging to this erroneous idea of punishment as training. Blackmailers can live with almost anything if they can make targets seem like dunces…In this way they can avoid any introspection…’



Old Battles, New Victims

…’the blackmailer strikes out at a target who has become a stand-in for a figure from the past…’ (this is known as acting out on a surrogate)


The Blame- Taker

…’ In fact, they [blackmailers] demand that we buy into it. If they’re displeased, we’re the problem. And our compliance with them is the solution. Under pressure from her family to recant or face exile…She had become the family scapegoat… it is not uncommon for one person to become the repository of everything that goes wrong in the family…in order to keep everyone else in balance…It is especially tough to believe your own perceptions are valid when people you love are telling you how crazy, wrong or sick you are…


A Vicious Cycle

 ..”It was a totally no-win situation…Under pressure we do something that doesn’t fit with who we are…”


Rationalizing and Justifying

“Protecting our integrity can be frightening and lonely…She did what many blackmail targets do given a choice between being true to themselves and complying with what someone else wants: she rationalized.’


The Impact on Our Well Being

‘Emotional blackmail leaves us full of unexpressed smoldering feelings.’

The Impact on the Relationship

Shutting Down

Targets of emotional blackmail become so accustomed to negative judgments disapproval, pressure and overreactions that…they are reluctant to share major parts of their lives. We stop talking about… (listed)…Just below the artificial calm that surrounds a placated blackmailer and a target who has given in, is the widening chasm that is opening between them….In a blackmail tainted situation, relationships with friends , lovers and family members that once had real depth begins to get thinner as the roster of safe topics shrinks.’

A New Dance

Be prepared for even more pressure as blackmailers try to regain their position.