...Breaking The Chains and Ending the Cycle

 
 
 
 
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On Scapegoating

 

Dysfunctional groups of all types employ scapegoating as a means of blowing off suppressed emotions. Socially sanctioned targets are selected and used by a usually non verbal, but sometimes verbal, agreement.  This is a very effective method for releasing emotional pressure, for the whole group especially since the reason for it is denied. Better still is the tautology created which keeps it all going when the scapegoating itself is denied to exist and claimed by the group to be a perception/reaction problem the scapegoat is having which justifies the treatment of the group.

Nothing keeps a dysfunctional system going like keeping it closed to external interference or examination. The scapegoat can then be 'fixed' for complaining about his/her artificially constructed and imposed social position which has now been denied to even exist. Fixing the complainer for complaining is now socially sanctioned as well.

All escape routes are then successfully blocked.

 


When Does Con-fidentiality or Privacy
 Become Secrecy?


 

When the people keeping it all Con-fidential are doing so to protect themselves, and their own interests, while allowing their victim(s) to pay the ongoing price for it.



Ontario Provincial Police
Warns Public About Website
 
 March 2010
                                  

Ontario Provincial Police (OPP) in cooperation with the Ontario Corrections Intelligence Unit are warning the public about certain criminal websites possibly being used by thieves to break into your home when you are away. These websites used by criminals are linked to popular social networking websites. On these social networking websites (which are legitimate) you can update your profile to inform your friends as to when you are away from your residence and for how long. Certain criminal websites extracts this information and posts it on its pages and informs their users in any part of the world which houses are empty and at what times. When you consider how many millions of people use social networking websites around the world, the effects can be huge. The public is reminded that items posted on social networking websites are available to all on the web and not all persons on the web are “friends”. Please restrict what you put on your networking page(s) including photos of your residence/address, photos of vehicles including plate numbers and any up to the minute information as to your whereabouts, keep that for your local friends/people you know personally.

 



The Most Common Inappropriate Affect?

 

I believe that would be the laughter of the presumably ‘normal’ and sane folk as they treat the destruction of an individual’s life, mind and all around well being, as if it was entertainment.'

It is the favourite reality show for the mindless masses who consider themselves to be representational of mental ‘health.’

 

 

We Regret to Announce the Death of:
Alice Miller, Psychoanalyst, Dies at 87;  

 

 

Related Many Problems to Parental Acts
Alice Miller, a psychoanalyst who repositioned the family as a locus of dysfunction with her theory that parental power and punishment lay at the root of many human problems, died at her home in Provence on April 14. She was 87.

For full article click on the link in her name

 

 
 
The Answer to the Question,We Ask Our Covert Controllers-- WHY are You Doing This to Me?
Download free PDF file by clicking on the question below
 
 

Anti-Bullying Action Plan

Take it Up a Level

By Patricia Lefave, Monophrenic

Personal beliefs need neither be included nor forbidden in a plan that works. 

Freedom of thought and speech is a necessity if we are to try to keep anyone, or any group, from dictating the nature and parameters of our collective of reality to us. It is not generally the differing concrete details of life that are the problem with bullies. It is the bully's belief that s/he has a RIGHT to treat others with contempt, hatred, verbal, physical, sexual or psycho-spiritual abuse BECAUSE the details of the other's life do not match and affirm the bully's own beliefs or needs. Bullying, despite its outward appearance, is not an act of courage or strength, but an act of concealed fear. 

To end this we must focus on the metaphysical level of the problem and not the concrete details being used to frame it. You can't appeal to a bully's empathy because s/he feels no empathy. Bullying is primarily a self centred act so what interests the bully is “what's in it for the bully.” If what is in it for the bully turns out to be something the bully really does not want, then the bully will stop for his/her OWN sake and not because s/he is suddenly overcome with tender feelings for the target. So we have to get REAL if we are going to stop this. Bullies are like junior sociopaths in training. They do what they do because it makes them FEEL powerful to do it. It is their “'fix.”  The only thing that ever stops those addicted to power is the kind of power that threatens to destroy the lives of those wielding it indiscriminately, over others. Exposing the bully/abusers thinking and manipulations does three things at the same time: 

One: It begins to make the power rush they get from doing it, useless, as it works through or by partial “concealment.” 

Two: It reveals to victims and targets what is going on in the bully so they understand it and a “secret” power, once it has been understood by those who were previously powerless, is useless. 

Three: It educates all those by-standers about what is really going on there, including their own decision to join the bullying or just BE bystanders, saying and doing nothing, and this empowers them as well to become, as someone put it recently, UP-standers instead of bystanders.  

So if we make laws against bullying they have to be against bullying: period, and NOT connected to any particular topic like whether or not anyone has the right to either believe in God, or not to believe in God, etc.  as, if you focus on arguing about the details, you get an ongoing argument and more bullying. But if you focus on the bullying alone, you can let everyone determine their OWN personal beliefs with boundaries intact while acknowledging that others have the same right. 

If you think about it that covers everything. One may insist they have a religious belief that tells them it is OK to kill their children. But the child most certainly has a belief that it is NOT OK to BE killed in the name of religion or anything else the invalidates him or her as a human being and each person determines their own way, with personal boundaries intact, and does not have it determined FOR them by someone else with a control agenda. 

Bullying is about boundary violation and so is all crime. Free speech permits us to disagree with each other and to say so, but it does not mean that if we are not agreed with, we can impose our will on the other, or abuse them for refusing to co-operate with our agenda. 

Boundaried behaviour has to go in both directions at the SAME time. No “authority” figures can decide for us all which concrete details of the hour are the “correct” ones to believe in, or to have, if one is “normal.” Proof of that is in the evidence of all the changes in NORMAL.. If what was being judged was “objective” it would not change since objective means FIXED, as in stable, or not subject to change,  not “fixed” as in repaired. 

The ONLY concept that makes this work is the one of mutual respect for boundaries going in both directions at the same time.  That one keeps everyone tied into their own personal space and keeps violators out of it. It is like two pillars of self restraint and self definition being present at the same time. It is quite roomy in “there” once given a chance to work for all, and can accommodate a lot of differences and still leave room for change in both directions. 

So again, bullies don't bully BECAUSE YOU are- ugly, or dress wrong, or are the “wrong” religion, or gay, or straight, or the “wrong” colour, or have hairy or hairless legs...etc. Bullies USE details to excuse THEIR bad behaviour. Recognize the details AS excuses for it and not as something wrong with you and SAY so, right out loud. 

That is not to say you are perfection walking. No one is; but that is the point. YOUR job is to define you and to decide what needs “fixing” or improving. The other's job is to define him, or herself.  In dysfunction, we get that backwards and believe our job is to define others, who are also trying to define us. 

Bullies try to get a distress reaction because it makes them feel falsely powerful to do that. The bully tries to justify him/herself by trying to make it APPEAR to others that s/he has a good REASON to bully you. The fact is there ARE NO GOOD REASONS behind what bullies do. REASON has nothing to do with it. Bullying is an irrational act based on the irrational thought processes of the bully. 

If, or when, being a bully, gets the bully, the kind of attention s/he does not want, the bully will stop doing what s/he does. It's all about the bully; not YOU. You are just a prop in the bully's fantasy world about him or herself. Bullies live in self delusion motivated by a need to feel powerful and superior. 

We all have to stop feeding that.  

Teens Arrested in Ontario for online bullying

October 19th, 2012

On the T.V. news interview with other students, the students were offering the opinion on the event. One said, “She didn't really deserve to be bullied.” 

Another that, “she didn't really do anything to cause that.” 

I almost agree with this. But right here I want you to visualize me starting to do my “whining and complaining” thing that I seem to love so much, while standing waving a red flag.

 
 
Pay very close attention to this language as how we humans use language says a lot about how we think and how the dysfunctional “normal” tends to think. 

If someone was judged as not “deserving” to be the target of bullying it leaves the suggestion there that someone else DOES “deserve” to be “bullied.” That suggests that group attacks on someone are justified on those who “do” something to “deserve” it- unlike this particular girl, in the opinion of some. This kind of thinking shifts the focus OFF of the bully, or bullies, and onto the target. That's the problem. That “shift” of perspective away from the reality of the act of bullying as the problem in, and of, itself. 

An example of this is out of my own life experience many years ago when a fifteen year old girl was raped on her way home at 8pm or so, on a summer day, after visiting a friend. She did not live far away and did what she always did; she cut through a church parking lot to get to her own street. I remember how appalled I felt as I sat amongst a group of women in a college classroom agreeing with each other after one of them said, with sneering contempt, “well REALLY now...what was SHE doing cutting through a church parking lot anyway!” 

The girl was not raped BECAUSE she was cutting through a church parking lot. She was raped because the rapist saw it as an opportunity to commit the crime. It is the rapist we need to have the contempt for; not the victim. The victim has already gone through more than enough. The last thing she needs is to be blamed for her victimization by adult women who SHOULD know better but in their dysfunctional thinking style obviously do not. THIS is what needs to change. 

People then start debating the victim’s character instead of the bully's actions, and that is EXACTLY what the bully, often a budding future sociopath, really wants. Does that make the bully feel powerful and justified if other people believe that the victim “deserves” to be attacked? You bet. 

In REALITY, it is the attack, and the one doing the attacking, along with the group which supports, enables and perpetuates this behaviour that is the problem and that problem rarely gets the focus as everyone is too busy telling the victim to stop “whining” about it and let it roll off her back. This also has another name; victim blaming, and unfortunately, many young ones learn how to do that by observing their parents enjoying themselves so much while they do it. 

Group abuse, verbal abuse, is wrong; period. That is a true statement no matter what the target's character may, or may not, be like, and the word “deserve” does not belong in the analysis of the situation. It is the bully's character that is the problem not the perception of it, or reactions to it, of the victim. Stop the bully. Don't pump the victim full of psych drugs to control the distress REACTION. 

Put a stop to the stressors.

Assholes- The Next Generation-

             Keep performing for us

I found this book VERY helpful and I think many of my readers will too. It is not new, but new enough that it may still be available in libraries.

A Few Words and Phrases From:

 

Emotional Blackmail

By Susan Forward, PhD.

 

 

“Why can’t I ever get my point across?...Blackmailers can skillfully mask the pressure they are applying to us, and often, we experience it in ways that make us question our perception of what’s happening…Yet, no matter how different they appear on the surface, they all have major traits in common…

…The people we are coming up against in these can’t-win situations are skilled manipulators.

 

Chapter 1:

Diagnosis: Emotional Blackmail

Sub section:  What’s the real motive?

If someone’s primary goal is ‘to win…’ There’s no balance of power…

 

Chapter 2:

The Four Faces of Blackmail:

Punishers, Self Punishers, Sufferers and Tantalizers.

 

3. Their Blind Spots—and Ours

“…They genuinely believe in the correctness of what they are doing and the rightness of what they want…They tend to fuse and enmesh themselves with those around them.

 

Chapter 4:

(My own favourite Chapter: I feel like I could also name this one “Psychiatric Blackmail: tools of the trade’, since it fits so well)

 

Tools of the Trade:

Sub headings

The Spin Doctor, Confusing Labels, Making us ‘Bad’, Pathologizing, What’s Wrong with YOU?, Dangerous secrets, Enlisting Allies, Bringing in Fresh Troops, Calling on a Hidden Authority, (God, psychiatrists etc.) Negative Comparisons (to others who are ‘better’ than you because they co-operate)

‘…The ‘spin involves applying adjectives—positive ones to the blackmailer and the compliant target; negative ones to the person who resists… The experience is disorienting…we begin to internalize the blackmailer’s questions about our perceptions, our character, our worth, our desirability, our values. We are trapped in a dense FOG…We buy into the spin because we want our friends, lovers, bosses and family members to be right and good, not mean unfeeling or oppressive…

 

Sub Heading

It’s All About Them

…‘All the blackmailers we’ve seen are focused almost totally on THEIR needs, THEIR desires; they don’t seem to be the least bit interested in OUR needs or how their pressure is affecting us. Blackmailers can be like steamrollers when we don’t satisfy them, becoming ruthless in their single minded pursuit of their goals…It is a strange kind of love that is so blind to the target’s feelings…

 

Making Mountains Out of Molehills

Sub heading

Teaching us a Lesson

 

…’Insults an infantilizing are similarly explained away with the, ‘it’s for your own good rationale… there are attractive payoffs to clinging to this erroneous idea of punishment as training. Blackmailers can live with almost anything if they can make targets seem like dunces…In this way they can avoid any introspection…’

 

 

Old Battles, New Victims

…’the blackmailer strikes out at a target who has become a stand-in for a figure from the past…’ (this is known as acting out on a surrogate)

 

The Blame- Taker

…’ In fact, they [blackmailers] demand that we buy into it. If they’re displeased, we’re the problem. And our compliance with them is the solution. Under pressure from her family to recant or face exile…She had become the family scapegoat… it is not uncommon for one person to become the repository of everything that goes wrong in the family…in order to keep everyone else in balance…It is especially tough to believe your own perceptions are valid when people you love are telling you how crazy, wrong or sick you are…

 

A Vicious Cycle

 ..”It was a totally no-win situation…Under pressure we do something that doesn’t fit with who we are…”

 

Rationalizing and Justifying

“Protecting our integrity can be frightening and lonely…She did what many blackmail targets do given a choice between being true to themselves and complying with what someone else wants: she rationalized.’

 

The Impact on Our Well Being

‘Emotional blackmail leaves us full of unexpressed smoldering feelings.’

The Impact on the Relationship

Shutting Down

Targets of emotional blackmail become so accustomed to negative judgments disapproval, pressure and overreactions that…they are reluctant to share major parts of their lives. We stop talking about… (listed)…Just below the artificial calm that surrounds a placated blackmailer and a target who has given in, is the widening chasm that is opening between them….In a blackmail tainted situation, relationships with friends , lovers and family members that once had real depth begins to get thinner as the roster of safe topics shrinks.’

A New Dance

Be prepared for even more pressure as blackmailers try to regain their position.

 

 
   
 
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