Looking at my old journal notes from 20 years ago.
This includes the acting out of Homewood staff and the public they involved about the non existent "play" known as est.
Among them from 97 were these two entries which I found interesting, considering the "game" has never ended because it never began in the first place. Did it? As we all know, nothing can ever be ended when there is NOTHING
there to begin with.
(Now let's all laugh together as we think of the name of this "game" AS
(And don't forget to switch the MEANING
of life with the meaning of est now so that we can all "get" the Joke we were told by the guru was in store for us....)Oct 30th 97
- Steve A.'s Ethics topic: "Is This Iatrogenic (doctor caused) traumatization?
(Did it get voted down?)
Bus chatter: "This will take them twenty years..."
Homewood chatter: "Twenty years from now we will be looking back and still wondering what the hell really happened here." (prophetic wasn't it?)
Manor patients at the time: "Don't they have a conscience?"
Nov 2nd 1997
H2 patients talking: "I guess they will have to give up their illusions and face reality."
(they both laugh about the staff)
Joanne M. (who was once said to have connected to some of my neighbors over by Liverpool St. in her "objective" assessment) is now telling Ruth F. H2 staff, "she figured it out all by herself."
Ruth: "That is no excuse for what they did."
(Remember I was already told in late 94 that I was not
to attempt to confront anyone
at Homewood about this and that they would "soon move on to something else..." I should have asked her to define "soon
” You cannot understand anyone's experience of reality as long as there are rules against revealing what that person actually knows and THAT
is also about power, control and domination, whether the estian version or NOT
Other: (including at Homewood as well: "The whole thing is an oxymoron."
The "two peas in a pod" comment has been going for decades now but with the identity of the "peas" changing as it is repeated. Still it tends to be a repeat of itself as does all of this. In 97, April G was restating it in the hallways of Homewood.
Nov 7th 1997
Bus driver: "She's going to make everybody face reality."
A stranger to me on a bus (likely affiliated with the university) "What's going on currently is in the conversation where she gets her groceries..."
(I believe in part that was started at ONE
store by a then cashier who lived in the same building as an ex friend, who is related to a Homewood nurse on H3. This was also apparently the gossip connection to some
people at the mall back in 99 who were "strangers to me" but who also acted out in the food court, (Sears employees) which is a very popular place for non stop gossiping and story telling by the way. It is a place where another man who was a complete stranger to me, acted out what was going on inside Homewood. A couple of years later I found out HIS
connection to library staff and her connection to another city employee, who has also
acted out with other people in the "chain reaction" as it is predicted in est. They have acted out for me several times since then, while unaware of themselves OR
me, of course, and as always... so while I do not know most of these people gossiping and "recreating" my reality for me, they know the stories they get from others, (who can never be blamed of course) even though they often don't actually know ME
either. That is one of the reasons they talk about me like I am not there, even though I am four feet away. Of course others who DO
know who I am, do it also, but by using MY
"lack" of awareness, not their own, (projection) as the excuse for their
To conclude with this oxymoron, I must say, "the more things change, the more they stay the same. And the silence has been deafening."
But then that's what It is for; that's It's purpose. For you can't really hear anything when there is NOTHING
to hear, can you? The only way you could ever hope to do that would be if you understood the true nature and the purpose of NOTHING.
There is NOTHING
to "get." You really NEED
to Get that. First "nothing" got me
and now I've got Nothing
negative from THIS
perceptive of the experience with the est-ee and all his helpers....)
One of the things the rest of you need to understand is that I was directed, ambiguously vaguely, of course, to see this as a joke ALSO
and so I included as part of the "joke" all of the acting out by the Homewood employees and many others as PART
of the joke I was INTENDED
to see and hear. In reality of course, it is just the delusional beliefs of most of those acting it all out that they are "superior" minds and therefore not really seen, nor understood by the one they have defined as "less than" right from "the start of the action. " The est-ee created a split premise as part of the manipulation of est and then played the two "sides" off against each other.
Remember the statement about it in est?
"Everybody is afraid of everybody else"....so "let him see your fear. What he wants to see is how afraid you are." (estian concept)
A university type was recently told by a public library employee at one of the branches, (one of my long time assessors) "Of course you realize that none of this really happened." (little laugh)
That's right; NOTHING
What the library employee MEANS
by that and what the university type hears, or means, by using the same WORDS,
will of course depend upon their own beliefs about what did, or did not, actually happen here. In any case, they all seem to think they know better
experience was, and is
, from my point of view, then I possibly could. That is usually why these things never really
get resolved. My assessors and evaluators would have to admit they were in the wrong and as a mental health pro told me, I have "unrealistic expectations if I think THAT
is going to happen." So eventually, people on the receiving
end of this give up and stop talking; especially since when psychiatry gets involved, the experience with a group like this gets pathologized out of existence. Then talking about it and refusing to "let IT
go" is defined as a "symptom" in the one now perceived as a self contained "disease" process apart from all those who have participated in NOTHING-
for really people (and I mean that in my own case...) NOTHING
happened. After all it would not be reasonable for groups of people to behave that way, would it?
. It is not
reasonable at all. THAT
is our point of agreement at the nexus of meaning. We have now integrated our opposites in the style of est. So now "everything" (that happened) and NOTHING
are the SAME
(as the self defined est-ee nurse wrote down
for me in a note, which also included this est quote: " 'In life, understanding is the booby prize.'
Quote can be found on page 38 of Getting It: the psychology of est"
which reveals the contents of the training which I am explaining to you here. The mental health pros here have known this since 99 and they also know I told them I thought he was doing an est routine as far back as late 94....before I found the book revealing all the contents of the training.
Naturally I was "corrected" by everyone and of course the unit psychiatrist at the time for H2 and H3 refused to allow
me to confront
the est-ee in front of witnesses. He was the one who sent me across the street to talk about it to the one who told me "nothing happened, there was no est exercise or routine going on with Homewood staff and that I would not be "allowed" to confront anyone there."
For as they say in real
investigations where people actually bother to look at any evidence: "When you have a faulty premise, nothing works."
As a university student once acted out or me many years ago, with the usual load of contempt: "She thinks he has a secret power... that's how crazy she is..."
That's right. That is what I thought. Only it is a secret from YOU
and those like
you. It is not
a secret to ME.
Since you are one of my many superiors though, it would not even occur to you that I actually might
understand something which you, and many
others, just like you, just don't "get."
That is why
they do it; "because It works."