Hallucinating Reality

My Very Own Paranoid Delusions and 'Imaginary' Conversations



 

Observing, Assessing and Evaluating Crazy Me:
 
One of Those "Cries for 'Help'"


Even More 'Fun'
 

I thought it might be even more ‘fun’ for the locals to get right into my personal space in a way that would not be possible for them to do just by pushing and shoving their way in, and then passing all they can get along as interpretive gossip. (not that any of them DO that of course!) So, bearing in mind that I have been told by experts that none of my personal experience of reality, as I perceive it, is ‘real,’ I thought that I would share my erroneous perceptions and reactions (‘affects’, which are not feelings like you have) right here on this page, with all of you. This way, you who are not ‘sick’ can enjoy observing and assessing someone who is told she is sick, but who will not accept it. 

Now remember I am going to write this “AS IF” this were reality so that those of you who know you are not brain disordered as I am, can really see what it is like to be at the mercy of one’s poor sick brain and yet believe that people actually DO behave this way and that it is in fact very common. To complete my disclaimer here then: 

 On this page, Any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental or another sign of my inherently defective personality. Therefore, please do not worry that anyone else is ever going to be held in any way accountable for any of it. 

  

 

My Paranoid Stories of life in my city will appear here below so do get involved in this educational experience...Don't worry, (not that you would) as no real names will be used here since none of these people are really guilty of anything anyway...so how could they be?

Out of Dale's est Training

"Let me see your fear" ..." What I want to see is how afraid you are.."

"What I want to see is a real evidence based investigation..." what I want to see is a good detective asking the people allegedly involved in all the "fun" some real questions and to tell them that they will be charged with obstruction if they don't co-operate with it.....

If you think this is the first time I have told people this, think again. It was dealt with by "transforming" my experience of reality into a mental illness which was allegedly suggested by Dale in the FIRST place.

( no doubt ambiguously which is in keeping with his est training for power)

One of the lines in est is that it gives him "access to things."

A Question I want answered:

Am I the "thing" or "item" to which he "gained access"? Did he do that by getting himself let into one. or even two, of my apartments? (Liverpool and/or Woolwich St.)

How much of the acting out by others is fabrication just for the "fun" of it?

One of the "symptoms" of my "mental illness" is defined by the second psychiatrist I talked to long BEFORE I broke down under stress and pressure. You will find this just fascinating TOO I'm sure. I "claimed" as an example of the group behaviour, that I was being discussed, in my presence by two cashiers and a gal with "Big Orange hair" at the Silver Dollar store in the downtown mall. This indicated to the psychiatrist that if I "thought" I was being talked about by people I don't even know, I needed an anti-psychotic to "'reduce my awareness."

"And why do I need my awareness reduced," I asked. I got a blank look and no response. I guess I was too delusional to get an answer.

I also claim I was being watched and followed around by a middle aged man, in a red half ton truck with a camper back. But then... you know us paranoid delusional disorders. We "think" we are being watched and followed when "really" it is all just in our minds. (See how crazy I am?)

Now eventually and over time, I have found out who a lot of these people are and what their CONNECTIONS are to Homewood staff, patients, psych students, medical personnel etc in other places, and to others who have acted out, which at one time were seen by me as separate strangers to me, without relationship to each other.

For example; one of the women who worked as a cashier at the Silver Dollar is actually the wife of the (then) middle aged man who was following me around in the red half ton. He has a Homewood connection. The gal with the Big Orange hair has one too. She works there, now, though I had not seen her working there then. I did however see her sister working there and the sister worked n the same unit as the est-ee nurse. (Colonial Two) The guy with the truck also has a connection to the addictions unit and was seen in discussion with a former addictions counselor at Homewood (last known to be working in the hospital in St. Mary's.) The counselor disappeared out of there coincidentally, right after I told the psychiatrist or recovery therapist across the street about it. He had also taken the “truck guy” to meet with the est-ee, game boy, nurse under the stair well below Hamilton 2. Oh, and in case those of you reading this think this is the first time I have talked about this, think again. I have already said all of this in the "confidential" setting of the system including sending it over and over again, by both snail mail and e-mail. So when you make remarks like "finally, she is talking" you sound like total idiots to me from THIS point of view. I have never stopped talking and my failure to stop and to "let this go" is also defined as my "illness."

So as my online friend the late John McCarthy said of his own experience, "you can't win." He was among the people I talked to online about a shared experience. THAT is where I got my support and before that from a few people in other places by snail mail before I went online in 2001. Of course that had to be assessed and evaluated by the locals as well, most of whom "don't like to judge." (Themselves anyway.)

When I moved from the place on Liverpool where I "claimed" the landlord’s daughter and the neighbours were discussing and debating my character, "covertly" ( Tell him to forget about her she is nothing but an effin BITCH! ) I was directed to move to Woolwich St. by a guy who works at the low rent housing office who handed me a "new listing" which he claimed had not been posted yet and was within my price range. That guy has the same surname as a guy I know who used to work for Red Car, and who has been observed by me, MANY times, in the town square getting. and passing along. all the latest in "stories" while smirking, eyes glowing with the usual "amusement." No doubt he would be "mystified " by this and it would be defined as my "symptom." He also lived next door to a Comcare employee and the two of them struck the observation pose in my presence also in the town square. That is because I am so "fascinating" as a "case."

After I moved there, to the new place, I discovered eventually that the guy who had followed me around (in my fame-seeking imagination) turned out to be the handy man there. And then my landlord told me that she did NOT advertise at the low rental housing place at all. So how then do you suppose that the guy there had that "new listing" he gave me from under the counter? Any ideas come to mind there?

I also heard that this guy, now my handy man, told other tenants there, acted out for me from a few feet away by other strangers, sometimes in the town square, that he "really liked his job working for Homewood, following people around." This was BEFORE the “ A.C.T. Team was brought to us by Perez. I then heard that Dale had got himself let into my apartment on Liverpool and it THAT'S true then it is likely he got the handy man to let him into my new place as well. Did you know that I told my employment supervisor that I felt like I was being drugged with something. She told them at Homewood, Helen on the front desk, I believe was asked to pass that along, that I wanted to be checked to find out. It did not happen of course. After all what could I know about my own experience of life that anyone and everyone does not know better? For do we not all see? People would have “no reason” to harm me; and where there is no good REASON, there is no harm....right idiots?

Let's repeat that line out of the est training here once more....

"Let me see your fear" ..." What I want to see is how afraid you are.."

THAT IS the reason.

Now as I have said before many, many times (be sure to focus on my repeating of this and NOT on WHAT I am repeating , for remember in good, solid dysfunction it is WHO is saying it as defined by others, including total strangers, and not WHAT is being said) I can't be sure if Dale was fully aware of what he was doing, though I suspect he WAS since I got to watch him perform....or if he is just another programmed automaton, (which some of them are) a “stimulus-response machine” (-est concept) Either way though, he HAS done this and it is a matter of degree of guilt and not the innocent, mystified bit being promoted by him and his supporters.

Would you like to know what the other connections are to people who are “strangers to me” but who have acted this out now for two decades? No? Don't want to open up that can of worms and would prefer that I remain in the position into which I was forced by all the superior people? Well of course that is the answer and as I have already been told to expect otherwise is to have unrealistic expectations. That is why no longer expect any ethics or integrity from superior people as they are above it all.

Let me help you “hide” better then.

Sing to the tune of“Hear the Word of the Lord”

Oh....the library 's connected to the courthouse, the courthouse's connected to the Housing office, the Housing office is connected to the police station , oh hear the delusions of the nut....

Guess who the people were who were standing out behind the Eaton Centre talking about me as I passed them back when they did not know who i was??? go ahead, guess? The day one of them found out my name and passed that along in the centre aisle of the Eaton centre I was nearby too. The same woman has acted out not long ago in Rexall... “Look at her. Talking away..” (harumph!) (oh nice new hair colour you have there dearie... a little dark now though isn't it?)

I sure hope she filled in her friend at the library on that.....I know she has passed along her almighty opinion to many others....she is but one of thousands just like her too.....at least, according to my “delusions” she is. See how neatly and efficiently the reality that no one likes and no one wants to face, can be made to just disappear.? Why it 's just like metaphysical magic isn't it?


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Let's Try and Oldie but a Goodie

 

This one too was originally stated to the psychiatric hospital staff having them some 'fun' while observing and listening to my reactions to them. I can easily expand it though to include all of the locals everywhere who have involved themselves in what they believe is a 'covert' operation;

 

“That which you are observing is observing you.”

 

If you did not need to justify yourselves by needing me to be 'less than,' you would already know that. It is perfectly obvious. 

 

 

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