Hallucinating Reality

My Very Own Paranoid Delusions and 'Imaginary' Conversations

Observing, Assessing and Evaluating Crazy Me:
One of Those "Cries for 'Help'"

Even More 'Fun'

I thought it might be even more ‘fun’ for the locals to get right into my personal space in a way that would not be possible for them to do just by pushing and shoving their way in, and then passing all they can get along as interpretive gossip. (not that any of them DO that of course!) So, bearing in mind that I have been told by experts that none of my personal experience of reality, as I perceive it, is ‘real,’ I thought that I would share my erroneous perceptions and reactions (‘affects’, which are not feelings like you have) right here on this page, with all of you. This way, you who are not ‘sick’ can enjoy observing and assessing someone who is told she is sick, but who will not accept it. 

Now remember I am going to write this “AS IF” this were reality so that those of you who know you are not brain disordered as I am, can really see what it is like to be at the mercy of one’s poor sick brain and yet believe that people actually DO behave this way and that it is in fact very common. To complete my disclaimer here then: 

 On this page, Any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental or another sign of my inherently defective personality. Therefore, please do not worry that anyone else is ever going to be held in any way accountable for any of it. 



My Paranoid Stories of life in my city will appear here below so do get involved in this educational experience...Don't worry, (not that you would) as no real names will be used here since none of these people are really guilty of anything anyway...so how could they be?

Repeat Rounds of....

"Why is she so angry"??? What's the big deal?...she says herself it has been twenty years.... Why doesn't she let it go? Why doesn't she speak up about it?

I wonder if she is that older woman who lives in our building?

(cheap housing used by students, the working poor, the psychiatrized, the addicted and the old and poor.) SHE seems pretty nasty.

(almost always viewed as self contained "conditions, disorders or syndromes," with nothing to do with external reality or other people. Why don't you "test" her and see what kind of a reaction you can get; then assess it, while excluding yourselves from the equation. After all YOU are objective observers, much like God. We don't actually SEE God. We just sense that s/he is there with us and we are grateful for that all knowing presence. Or we should be. For if we aren't, the fault lies only in us, and not in God obviously. Don't worry if "nasty woman" tells her psychiatrist about university students "testing" her, the psychiatrist won't believe it anyway. Oh dear...am I too agry for you? I will have to smile more won't I?

"That's her. Careful don't say anything nasty now or make remarks about it in front of her."

(Ummm... are you INCLUDING OR EXCLUDING those remarks you just made in front of me? See this is what it is like all the time. We can never be sure WHICH parts of all the community wide acting out we are expected, or intended to see, and which parts you decide we can't or won't see, since it all looks the same from our point of view. That's because it IS the same and the only place it is different is in the minds of you "objective observers," who are acting it all out while simultaneously DENYING it.

As it is stated inside the nurse's est training: "It's all in your minds."

"Why didn't she just leave? I am quite sure that is what I would have done."

(Oh see... I would have asked you to straighten me out about my experience of this back then but I couldn't because you were likely just emerging from your mother's womb at the time, and your university counterparts of the day were making a slightly different set of remarks AT me back then, and you couldn't talk yet so I had to just listen to them instead. )

"She is supposedly a bit more aware in her own opinion yet she doesn't know what button to push to cross the street...har har har....

(I AM aware of YOU and your horseshit assessments of me, based on information you lack, add, or spin though, aren't I? Did YOU know that? Or are you too lacking in awareness to have been able to see me, seeing you?)

"I wonder if she is that one who coughs on the bus all the time?"

(No. I don't cough. I fart. But only social farting. I use it to break the ice with new people like when I say, "do you want to go outside for a fart." We old ones like to fart as an activity you see...especially after eating something like chili. )

"Is she after HIM now?"

(For you see in THIS version of me and who I am supposed to be, according to the consensus reality of most of those who go for a free meal at the church, to debate reality together, some of whom are my current neighbours, I am "AFTER" anything male that moves. No, offense to this guy who is a much nicer human being than those making comments about both is of like we aren't really there. He is in fact, someone I know, to whom I say hello and with whom I discuss a few facts of life occasionally. I first met him at Homewood when I was working in there. The female idiot who came up with this one asked that of another with her when on the bus from three feet away. He is also psychiatrized so the community objective observers had to fabricate a little story which is now making the rounds with scuzballs acting out in the town square. The REALLY hilarious part of this one is that they feel sorry for HIM...har har har...(whereas normally they are making fun of HIM...not that they do that either of course as he has been assured by psychiatry it is all in HIS mind also.).

They sure do love their "stories" don't they? And the forced laughter that goes with it in their little bonding sessions of verbal abuse directed AT people passing by whom thy don't actually know. )

THIS the fantasy world that these people live in on a daily basis. It is ALSO the fantasy world that is denied to exist at all, and is replaced with it's opposite used to explain it all AWAY; the people on the receiving end of it are the ones fantasising the existence of the group behaviour. See how well that works to get the abusers off the hook by hanging their victims on it to pay for what they have done TO them, by those who can never be blamed? Blaming "them." It is a pretty effective and simple way to keep group dysfunction going indefinitely isn't it?

(est concept- this is the infinite nature of the training" and "you may as well" (do "something about it"- not specified of course ) "you can't change anything anyway." Do YOU choose enlightenment about what this really IS and how it is done OR do you choose power and control over others?

Also there is a new couple acting out from three feet away for me lately. They too go for the free meal at the church. She is about five foot five, quite fat and with straight grey hair just below her ears, she likes to suggest,

(when I look right at them as they talk about me from three feet away, while being "amused") that I am probably looking at him wondering if I can get him now too...(smirk) for the record; if this guy was available I would not be interested ever. However that will now have to be because of one of the other fantasy stories they have going as the reason; perpetual virgin or gay or asexual. As long as it validates them and their abuse BY invalidating me. It is about making sure that I am always wrong and never right so the population acting this out can be always right and never wrong and more importantly, "HIDDEN" in their own minds from an inferior who is not going to have any idea what they are saying anyway, since they are all my "superiors" in understanding and/or worth. I think we can see what the "choice" of the majority (of followers) involved in this is going to be, can't we?

On bus: Apparently he used to call her some really stupid name for some reason. I can't remember it for sure but it was some name like "Candor" or something...really weird.

"Careful apparently she still takes the bus."

"As if she would STILL be riding the bus...why would she be?"

(Why would I NOT be riding the bus? Which VERSION of my reality have you got going in this one? I have actually heard several, and the first one was acted out in 95 or 96.....is it one of those old ones or a newer improved version?

"There she is. It's the exact opposite."

(WHICH "exact opposite" is it in the minds of these ones acting out? Is it the one believed by some, or the one believed by others? Of course it doesn't really matter to me does it, since the behaviour of ALL of you is denied to even exist anyway.

"Apparently they are getting married." (ha ha ha )

(same story still, about round 32 or so of course, this too is split into pieces to match the story telling. Versions include; some who think that is a joke, some who think it is something made up by others and I am so stupid I believe it, some think that I am only saying that ( which I never have)) and that I am only doing that to "seek attention"- one of the most popular of the invalidation responses-, some think I "actually believe that", and that is my delusion, and others think it is true and "they really ARE getting married."- SERIOUSLY..all of it acted out for me and then of course denied completely.

Now if you can get past the group assessments, evaluations, and comparisons to yourselves and your fine upstanding character, do any of you happen to notice who is NOT in the experience of my own reality? Anyone?

Did you notice something else- that the MAJORITY of the chatter and remarks made are invalidating to me and my own perception of my own experience of reality from MY point of view? Is that because you are STILL in the "game" and you are "validating yourselves by invalidating my point of view."- est concept)

"It's about domination."

Reality Disclaimer:

Since in reality there is no one who actually behaves this way, and I am actually just fabricating all of this as a symptom of my delusional state of mind, no one locally will recognize themselves as "the people" I am talking about. That is, of course, because it is impossible to recognize anything (or anyone) that simply does not exist. So my advice to all here is to make sure you don't blow your cover, (up) or all of your well practiced denial, and incredulity, by giving any indication that you think I may be talking about you. I mean, THAT would be crazy! Since nothing at all happened here and no one knows a thing, how COULD I be? That would be impossible!

(Get the POINT: This group acting out is denied to exist and is then re-framed and explained AWAY as my paranoid delusions, hallucinated conversations and attention seeking behaviours because that is HOW dysfunctional groups make REALITY ITSELFdisappear, by proclaiming It to be a problem of perception/reaction located WITHIN the one the groups define as "defective" for having an unwanted awareness of THEM and of what they do as a group. This is group related consciousness splitting and it is done BY the group members who then resist any awareness of it. )

This is the stuff the pograms, holocausts, killing fields and "ethnic cleansings" are built upon. Reducing those "inferior others" as the first act, to an inherently inferior status, gives those doing it permission to treat them as sub-humans and to take the abuse of them all the way to mass murder, while justifying it to themselves. It is a matter of DEGREE of group abuse, and not the substance of it. It is all basically done the same way. Then it is all denied, for "really" there was no Holocaust. For don't you see? Those people, being accused, all very nice, highly sophisticated and well educated, would have NO REASON to do such a thing.

Stop there. You just supplied yourself with the answer for IT. "There is no reason in what they do."

"Reason" has nothing to do with IT. I repeat yet again- I am not the one who doesn't understand ; YOU ARE.

Current Blog Article: Repeat Rounds of....

Would you like to be notified when new forum topics or posts are made?
Perhaps the Locals Would Like to Express Their Various Opinions and Disdain Here...
You could use this as a gathering point for all of the latest rumours and talk it over right in front of me like I am not even here.....in other words just keep right on behaving the same way which I already 'think' you behave, without needing to be running all over town looking for your contacts to get all the latest. Someone be sure to tell the shoe salesman, in the downtown mall and the bus drivers so they don't have to depend upon accidental contacts... OK?

I have an idea...Why don't you name the post above to which you are responding and then all the other critics will be able to find them easier?
My Strange Perceptions of Group Behaviour Among the 'Normal'

I am told that my perceptions of the behaviour of groups of, otherwise 'normal' people, is totally unrealistic and exists only in my own poor sick mind, so I am going to post my interesting perceptions and reactions here and all of you; locals, the psychiatrized, the presumably normal, or mental illness professionals, police officers now acting as the thought police, my ex physician who joined in etc.,  should all feel free to comment on it and offer your own experiences and assessments from the various points of view involved.

Just follow the few rules above and focus on me, and me alone, or else speak in the first person singular out of your own experience. Do not attack or argue with anyone else who chooses to post on this list.

Note: You can't post unless you are registered to the site with an e-mail address but those of you who want to remain 'concealed' could always use a pseudonym couldn't you?

My fascinating paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations will appear as posts in the blog above this message board. So, ready, set... assess


Let's Try and Oldie but a Goodie


This one too was originally stated to the psychiatric hospital staff having them some 'fun' while observing and listening to my reactions to them. I can easily expand it though to include all of the locals everywhere who have involved themselves in what they believe is a 'covert' operation;


“That which you are observing is observing you.”


If you did not need to justify yourselves by needing me to be 'less than,' you would already know that. It is perfectly obvious.