Hallucinating Reality

My Very Own Paranoid Delusions and 'Imaginary' Conversations

Observing, Assessing and Evaluating Crazy Me:
One of Those "Cries for 'Help'"

Even More 'Fun'

I thought it might be even more ‘fun’ for the locals to get right into my personal space in a way that would not be possible for them to do just by pushing and shoving their way in, and then passing all they can get along as interpretive gossip. (not that any of them DO that of course!) So, bearing in mind that I have been told by experts that none of my personal experience of reality, as I perceive it, is ‘real,’ I thought that I would share my erroneous perceptions and reactions (‘affects’, which are not feelings like you have) right here on this page, with all of you. This way, you who are not ‘sick’ can enjoy observing and assessing someone who is told she is sick, but who will not accept it. 

Now remember I am going to write this “AS IF” this were reality so that those of you who know you are not brain disordered as I am, can really see what it is like to be at the mercy of one’s poor sick brain and yet believe that people actually DO behave this way and that it is in fact very common. To complete my disclaimer here then: 

 On this page, Any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental or another sign of my inherently defective personality. Therefore, please do not worry that anyone else is ever going to be held in any way accountable for any of it. 



My Paranoid Stories of life in my city will appear here below so do get involved in this educational experience...Don't worry, (not that you would) as no real names will be used here since none of these people are really guilty of anything anyway...so how could they be?

The Ongoing Discussion and Debate

...by people I don't actually know, who don't actually know me but who continue, to assess and evaluate my life, thoughts and motives FOR me from a nice safe, distant away, still transforming my experience of reality as defined by group consensus into one that makes them "always right and never wrong..."

Currently they are still working out my age for me , ("these people just think they can do anything they like!" I represent "these people" ) and the news I have repeated for them that I have not worked at all, at my old job for over a year and I am on OAS.

It doesn't sink in as many of my current neighbors are doing public group assessments, often in my presence, like I am not there. They HAVE to do this you see in order to be "right"; always right and never wrong." They also can't admit to anything as then they would have to be self aware and know they aren't "hiding" from an inferior and that the only people they are hiding from are themselves and their idiotic group assessments.

So I tell them I am on OAS and they "humour" me and then the next time they see me they are either telling a third party that I "say" I am on OAS or they are asking me where my uniform is, or if I am "all done work for the day?"

So if you think about this for about five or ten seconds, you could actually see how duplicitous this obviously IS from MY point of view. How many TIMES in how many WAYS, should I try to tell those who are sure they know better, that I am a senior citizen on OAS, if they indicate to me they are NOT going to accept that but they will of course "humour" the mental defective here?

Of course the duplicitous ones who just KNOW what I say is just "fabrication" DO NOT KNOW that I can see and hear the fabricated reality they have come up with to explain my reality AWAY and promote their own fantasy AS my reality. This is what it is always like in one version of the dysfunctional group fantasy or another. Do you get the IRONY in that? I wonder if the same female from the university will spew the same contemptuous remark at me this time too...."I doubt if SHE would even know what irony MEANT!"

Trying to tell them you can see them and hear them as they obviously are, does not change anything as they do not know what I am talking about if it does not FIT IN to their beliefs. They have to change ME to make me fit. Otherwise they would have to know they are participating in a group delusion and you know they can't have THAT can they?

Of course there IS a way they could resolve many of these fantasy generated contradictions.

Can any of you locally think of a way they could face the reality of their own fantasy in my case as described above? Do you think many of my "superiors" are going to WANT to do that?

The common denominator with all of these people is the same: the self serving delusional belief that we, as their "inferiors" will see, hear, know and understand only what they INTEND us to, and not what they don't. So if you locals would like to think about it, the people you know who have told you those ever so "amusing," degrading, mocking ridiculing "stories" with me as their topic, are also some of the people I don't bother with at all, on a personal level. The reason is NOT because I am so stupid or crazy or unfriendly, as a list of my character flaws but because THEIR character flaws, specifically, that I can, and should be, treated as their "inferior" who cannot see, hear, know or understand THEM, is acceptable and even considered to be "normal," thinking and behaviour on their part. We are not going to be friends. I tolerate them. I am civil. I ignore some of the worst ones, especially like the one who acts out on buses, assesses me for others from four fracking feet away, deciding she is equipped to act as my unwanted "interpreter" and who often performs for an audience at the library. "Oh...I don't want to sit by her.....(terribly frightened I might continue to ignore her BS I am sure....the POOR,ever so soft spoken, sweet thing.

My recent favourite in her acts was telling one of her covert confidants, that it was nice I was able to use the computers there and "work it in" to my day.

(eye rolling sarcasm ...I only "think am on OAS- the two faced all know better )

This was some of her usual sarcasm about my job, something she herself has not held even part time the last I heard, for many years. But you see that is "different." It is different because it is about HER. This is but one performance of many which are similar. Those with whom she has discussed it have also, in turn, acted it out for me as well. While "hidden" in plain sight of course ...

Of course it is also "secret" behaviour in her mind and since it is all "secret" behaviour she has no idea WHY I have no interest in bothering with her. If I were to confront her with this, it would not help as she would simply focus on the "incorrect" reaction I was having as this is how "the game" is played.

She is one of the "normal" (superior ) who splits her own personality between being very soft spoken with an appropriate little smile to show when direct contact is made, which does a fine job with most of concealing her OTHER personality which is the polar opposite; the contemptuous, raging, complaining, covertly denigrating, tough broad with the foul mouth. I am aware of them both.

This one can stay with those with whom she exchanges contemptuous remarks and she has a variety of them to choose from. I am sure they will affirm her normality for her. Personally I am not interested in the pretense except as a phenomenon that needs to be stopped. So I remain in the minority who sees what these normal folks do not. This is not "a cry for help." It is a cry of frustration because those who really NEED some help don't know they do, because they are too busy projecting all their own shit onto "inferiors" who are made to carry it for them while they smile sweetly at everyone else and act "mystified" about their targeted inferiors REACTIONS.

That is because the real them is so well hidden from their inferiors...

Current Blog Article: The Ongoing Discussion and Debate

Would you like to be notified when new forum topics or posts are made?
Perhaps the Locals Would Like to Express Their Various Opinions and Disdain Here...
You could use this as a gathering point for all of the latest rumours and talk it over right in front of me like I am not even here.....in other words just keep right on behaving the same way which I already 'think' you behave, without needing to be running all over town looking for your contacts to get all the latest. Someone be sure to tell the shoe salesman, in the downtown mall and the bus drivers so they don't have to depend upon accidental contacts... OK?

I have an idea...Why don't you name the post above to which you are responding and then all the other critics will be able to find them easier?
My Strange Perceptions of Group Behaviour Among the 'Normal'

I am told that my perceptions of the behaviour of groups of, otherwise 'normal' people, is totally unrealistic and exists only in my own poor sick mind, so I am going to post my interesting perceptions and reactions here and all of you; locals, the psychiatrized, the presumably normal, or mental illness professionals, police officers now acting as the thought police, my ex physician who joined in etc.,  should all feel free to comment on it and offer your own experiences and assessments from the various points of view involved.

Just follow the few rules above and focus on me, and me alone, or else speak in the first person singular out of your own experience. Do not attack or argue with anyone else who chooses to post on this list.

Note: You can't post unless you are registered to the site with an e-mail address but those of you who want to remain 'concealed' could always use a pseudonym couldn't you?

My fascinating paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations will appear as posts in the blog above this message board. So, ready, set... assess


Let's Try and Oldie but a Goodie


This one too was originally stated to the psychiatric hospital staff having them some 'fun' while observing and listening to my reactions to them. I can easily expand it though to include all of the locals everywhere who have involved themselves in what they believe is a 'covert' operation;


“That which you are observing is observing you.”


If you did not need to justify yourselves by needing me to be 'less than,' you would already know that. It is perfectly obvious.