Hallucinating Reality

My Very Own Paranoid Delusions and 'Imaginary' Conversations


Observing, Assessing and Evaluating Crazy Me:
One of Those "Cries for 'Help'"

Even More 'Fun'

I thought it might be even more ‘fun’ for the locals to get right into my personal space in a way that would not be possible for them to do just by pushing and shoving their way in, and then passing all they can get along as interpretive gossip. (not that any of them DO that of course!) So, bearing in mind that I have been told by experts that none of my personal experience of reality, as I perceive it, is ‘real,’ I thought that I would share my erroneous perceptions and reactions (‘affects’, which are not feelings like you have) right here on this page, with all of you. This way, you who are not ‘sick’ can enjoy observing and assessing someone who is told she is sick, but who will not accept it. 

Now remember I am going to write this “AS IF” this were reality so that those of you who know you are not brain disordered as I am, can really see what it is like to be at the mercy of one’s poor sick brain and yet believe that people actually DO behave this way and that it is in fact very common. To complete my disclaimer here then: 

 On this page, Any resemblance to any actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental or another sign of my inherently defective personality. Therefore, please do not worry that anyone else is ever going to be held in any way accountable for any of it. 



My Paranoid Stories of life in my city will appear here below so do get involved in this educational experience...Don't worry, (not that you would) as no real names will be used here since none of these people are really guilty of anything anyway...so how could they be?

Invalidation and Control

To all of you local superior minds and "covert" controllers and "story" tellers. Have your group-think sessions of the last twenty years or so come up with any theories on the meaning of "genuine direct communication" yet, or are you still in committee on that particular mystery? How about this mystery phrase, "Shut up; shut the hell up"? Got any well educated ideas on that one? Oh. I am sorry. Am I upsetting the apple cart, opening up a can of worms, or rocking the boat, the good ship Hamilton Three, with my more direct-yet still, indirect asking of unwanted, unacknowledged questions?

Tell you what...don't ANSWER. I will just go out to the food court at the mall, or walk down the street, or ride a bus, or go to the library, or stand at the bus station, listening to psych students and university employees, of various categories, who have had the whack job here pointed out to them, debating all the latest assessments.

( most of those delivered with that delightful little patronizing tone you model for them as part of the tactics they are trained to use in dealing with naughty (old) children like defective me, . . Good Job! Now remember focus on my grammar, use of terms, or, run on sentence here, rather than the message ITSELF and its meaning, as it is very important that you stay in INVALIDATION mode, as the means of maintaining your self promotion and defense of the Splitter status quo. )

Or maybe, you could have the university professor, the one who lives on, or very near, my street, saunter causally down to my bus stop again, from his own near London, and try to ever so casually strike up a conversation just to see what kind of a REACTION he can get which I, of course, being the stunned banana that I am, will be unaware of as a performance and probably quite mystified by...... then he can report to my ex psychiatrist who can plan to, ever so casually, run into me somewhere like a grocery store perhaps, (right after it gets announced as a plan by someone who passes me on the street, just to do a sort of on the spot "covert" evaluation of me, and the situation, while still keeping to the primary rule of the system : no genuine, direct communication EVER, no equality and no admission of anything, that may cause problems for ANY of the group members involved, who of course are not involved, not really,   since there is nothing for them to be involved in. GOT that?

It may seem hard to GRASP at first, and even contradictory, but just think in terms of being "always right and never wrong" (estian concept- ask the est-ee nurse to explain it to you) despite any and all evidence to the contrary, which if, it should turn up, should be immediately suppressed, hidden or destroyed.

(You know...like the undelivered mail sent by me and allegedly ordered by Ed Perez to be picked up and brought to him without informing those to whom it was addressed.

(according to my street "hallucinations" back then.)

To help you to feel OK about this, just continue to tell yourselves that my life is not as real, or as valuable, or as legitimate for me, as YOURS is, for YOU. That should help you stay all right with it. Oh yes... and if I get picked up for more "treatment" for my "delusional" beliefs about YOU, tell yourselves that although what I am saying about you is all true, my "treatment," even if forced on me, is not FOR that, but MUST be for something else, a REAL "illness" just like diabetes, and that the worst that happened is maybe you may have exacerbated a "pre-existing condition" or that I was really "predisposed" to go mad (loved THIS one) for no REAL reason at all, and that will allow you to CONTINUE to excuse yourselves, and keep it all covered up, and of course, virtually BLAMELESS. For as they say at the end of "Waiting for Godot" which the est-ee nurse asked me if I had ever read, before he handed me the "booby prize," for IT, "we are as scapegoats..unless Godot comes...".

(another coincidence of course. I just "read too much into things," "things" others don't see, or hear, at all....and if those "others" don't see It, then IT can't be THERE to see, can it? ) for if it really WAS there, that would change the perception of everything wouldn't it? Imagine how "awkward" that would feel.?Clearly not feeling "awkward" is the most important goal in this. If I wasn't such a defective I am sure I would already KNOW that!

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Let's Try and Oldie but a Goodie


This one too was originally stated to the psychiatric hospital staff having them some 'fun' while observing and listening to my reactions to them. I can easily expand it though to include all of the locals everywhere who have involved themselves in what they believe is a 'covert' operation;


“That which you are observing is observing you.”


If you did not need to justify yourselves by needing me to be 'less than,' you would already know that. It is perfectly obvious. 



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