(for those of you too modern, or superior, or 'normal" to be able to decipher the strange CODE of instructions produced by answering machine announcements...)
I will now use my New Skill of SOUNDING like I am "Talking to Idiots"
There is, according to some of the acting out around me, a great deal of angst surrounding my use of an answering machine, used on my own phone, in my own personal space, to screen my own calls. Many are simply UNABLE to understand why I would have one, or what the message conveys or why, if I am home when the phone rings, no matter what I may, or may not, be doing at the time, I "can't" or won't, answer the phone WHEN it rings. Clearly I must be going stark raving mad again as I am simply predisposed to do, for no apparent reason, that has anything at all to do with anyone else.
This is another cause apparently for ongoing group anxiety over those who are not doing everything in exactly the SAME way the neurotic groups of assessors and evaluators think it SHOULD be done if one wants to be seen as acceptable, or normal......(sigh) What is my PROBLEM anyway?
Well one of my main ongoing problems is the group of assessors and evaluators about whom I am not "allowed" to have any awareness because that would ruin all of the covert ops which allows the Splitters to split, and by doing so, to justify themselves for being pushy, overbearing, intrusive and constantly boundary violating. Of course I already know, that SAYING this won't have any effect on the people DOING it, so let me just drop DOWN to the concrete level and we can all pretend together that the "problem" the group has, is REALLY about my answering the phone or not, and when, and not about THEM invalidating my point of view as the means of validating themselves, in the contest mode of life they prefer, which just happens to mirror the est training routine which does not exist either.
(we mustn't actually know that, must we? Shhhh.....don't let on I said this.....)
So here is how this answering machine thing works:
As the message states:
NO sales calls are accepted.
(that means bug off with your smiling, "have a nice day" scripted pitches for crap I don't want and did not ask for and that includes YOU, my "Captain"...ship's whistle and all.)
All calls are screened.
(That means I want to hear you first, BEFORE I answer, if you are calling to deliver scripted pitches for crap I don't want and did not ask for.)
(that means you have to say who is calling and such revelation usually starts with words like "I am..." That is what "identify your SELF actually means. It is like when you point at your own head and body and you go....like pointing AT it is, just like, ya know...who I AM like this is ME world... and then you goes like this, you goes in words...I am like, the delivery guy, or the cops with the taser here to "help" you, or the plumber and like... stuff like THAT which indicates an IDENTITY all your own (the SELF in identify yourSELF) and unlike say....that nitwit that thinks I am a fax machine but who can never quite figure out why he is not getting the orders he wants since he faxed them to me 6 times.... so like, are you with me so far?
If I am available at the time.
Now that can mean a number of things which aren't being specified but that is not because I am trying to induce high anxiety in the caller. It is just that if I were to put this ENTIRE explanation of all my personal needs, desires and motivations in the announcement it would take like, for-ever to listen to it and I know from experience with a genius, one with a whole bunch of university degrees, that this also does NOT help. So here, for those with time to absorb the limitless existential possibilities of the meaning of everything, using the written word to try to define this small piece of reality itself, let me list but a few of those possibilities, in the hope that doing so will help to allow YOU to find your voice and engage in a small amount of self expression...
I could be:
asleep, or in the shower, or in the garbage room, or checking the mail, or on the computer wearing headphones, or listening to music on my cassette player, also on headphones and YES, I still own and use THAT antique also! WOW! ..and use it to listen to stuff like Pointer Sisters, Rose Royce, The O'Jays, and old James Brown and some days I seem to think I am Tina Turner, or Aretha Franklin....R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Amazing!
Of course soon -like, has now been done in Hamilton, there will need to be a rule given against singing on the bus....right now I just lip sync and manage to hold back all right, but as I deteriorate, slipping ever deeper into my dotage, I will likely become SURE, that I really AM Tina Turner and will then be unable to understand why the bus drivers are trying to stop the free concert I am so generously giving to the underprivileged.
Now you can see why I do not actually put these in depth announcements, with explanations on my answering machine.
And lastly, "Speak now."
the Silence thing won't work. Breathing won't work. Calling all around the clock at various times won't change the outcome. Lying to me about how you got my unlisted phone number won't make me smile at you. Protecting those who gave it to you, who also lie to me won't change the outcome either.
One last point to make on this one as it seems so appropriate to this particular topic of not speaking while continuing to try to get ME to do it at the same time as I am ordered not to do so:
ONE of the definitions insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. Why don't you call me if you want to discuss this. When I don't answer right away, just sit there and breathe to see what happens next. When you don't get an answer, go and discuss all the possible crazy reasons for that, with a large group of willing and sympathetic assessors and evaluators, all focused on what could be wrong with me. I am sure one of them will be willing to tell you that there are just some people you can never really "get through" to and it would be best for you if you just let it go and talk to all of those more willing to answer your ongoing strenuous efforts at wide eyed,mystified silence.
Deep Thoughts with Paranoid Patty
In the world of existential angst some will not answer a call and others will not call out an answer...'tis like the vacuum, rolling on and on, over the carpet of our outer space, that ultimately sucks as all up as the cosmic dust we always have been.
On that level, often it is ONLY the dirt bags that really enjoy the experience......for they and only they can truly CONTAIN the infinite manifestations of all the dust, ashes and rotting crap that is the waste product of human existence . Only they are BUILT to suck it all in, to suck others in, and to suck it up. This is how they all know that being a dirt bag makes you the true winner in the cleansing experience of life itself.