A Psy-Fi Adventure by Patricia Lefave
An Unusual Perception of Reality
My Name is Sarah Robertson
...and I have officially been labelled Inherently Defective by those who are determined to 'help' me.
I could say I was railroaded into a mental hospital but if I did, that would only be called one of my symptoms anyway. Everything IS. It was all written in the Big Book of Insanity before I ever walked in the door.
As many of my fellow psychiatrized know and dare to say, it is a 'rigged game.' Of course no one believed me, for what could someone like me, who is not even a nurse, for God's sake, know of how life works, or how minds think. I was soon to discover that I was not going to be 'allowed' to know how my own mind worked whenever it offended anyone else to have to think so.
So the head games began and they are still being played these many years later.
It has been a bizarre psycho spiritual adventure and one that I almost did not survive to tell about it. But I did; and so now I tell my own story of this experience from MY point of view. 'We' are not supposed to give first person accounts of our experience because when we do it tends to ruin the 'stories' about it as supplied by others...those same 'others' who can never be wrong, and who can never be blamed either.
I think it is time we all learned how to blame appropriately as not doing so is so bloody enabling to those who want all the control over everything, and everyone.
It has to stop.
Maybe if I talk about it all here, that will help others who have been put though something similar work their way through their own bizarre adventure. I hope so. I know that talking about it to others has helped me, and I think that we have to connect together and find our true strength in each other, even while those who so eagerly psychiatrize us as the means of invalidating us, mock, ridicule and hiss at us like the dysfunctional snakes they often are. At least it is a bit easier to be hissed at in good company than to be hissed at all alone.
So where will I begin my story? Shall I start at the beginning or just jump into it from where I am right now and sort of reminisce my way through it? I think I will just start from the now and then talk about all the connections I have been able to make along the way which allowed me to sort out enough of the chaos and confusion to make sense of my own experience.
In the “Now”
The community acting out is really pissing me off lately. It is SO long and tedious a process waiting for all these idiots to just wake up to the reality which is going on around them every single day, and which HAS been for all these years. How can they STILL not see the bloody obvious? No wonder so many of my fellow psychiatrized believe they have got to be “pretending” to be this stupid or else doing it on purpose so they can 'enjoy' the entertainment value they get from driving us into insanity. It is pretty hard to believe, even when I know it's true, that this many people can be this stupid and self absorbed for like, 17 YEARS. No wonder we sometimes think either 'we' or 'them' MUST be from some other planet. It is too far fetched to think we are all actually living on the same one with such profoundly different perceptions of the same experience.
I have come to know though that this has a whole lot to do with the point of view from which we look at it and the premise of belief from which which judge everything we see and hear. I will try to explain as concretely as I can in my own story here. I think I will start with the last two months or so and then point out the connections I have been able to make over the years which have allowed me to understand my own experience even if no one else in it ever does. Trying to get anyone to just hear me has been like beating my head against the proverbial brick wall. I have to SAY the word 'proverbial' as otherwise the expression may well be construed as a 'cry for help' or taken literally, and a taser supplied team of community treatment police may arrive at my door to bring me down for more 'treatment' as ordered by this year's version of the thought police.
Do you STILL believe you have been harmed by 'others' Sarah? Despite the fact that we have told you we are only trying to help you?
(My these sure are persistent delusions these whack jobs have aren't they?)
Would you please stop talking about me three feet away like I am not here? I can hear you for God's sake.
Oh we aren't talking about YOU Sarah....don't you worry your little head about that. (Apparently 'they' all think that people are talking about them.)
One guy involved in my own case was said to have stated to a group, “we are talking about her right now.”
I heard that the group members didn't really know what he meant by that. I wonder if this is the one who is supposed to have also said, I told one person and the whole city got involved. Later, it was acted out by some that a 'he' had said, “I told two people and the whole city got involved in that.”
Was this the same person, two different people, or just another 'story' someone had fabricated and then others acted out for me. I never know of course as I am never talked to genuinely, or directly, by anyone. Insults and judgements they are interested in and assessments of the lives of people they don't actually know but genuine communication doesn't seem to interest anybody much; I guess it is not 'fun' like all the story telling.
I also think that the hardest thing to do is to just get the 'normal' people to hear themselves denying the reality of their own splitting, and the projection of it. I learned in this experience that such people have NO IDEA we can see them and hear them when they are acting out from four feet away. It is absolutely surreal.
My community won't deal with this reality. They don't want to “open up a can of worms.” Yet if they refuse to look, they will never understand it and this kind of mob behaviour is going to go on and on and at what cost? How many people have to die, go mad, or take vengeance on their abusers because of something that could be understood and prevented from ever happening? Why does politics, appearances, the glad hand, and nice little sound bites come first? How did society get to the point where how we look and sound takes precedence over how we really are? Is that what we learned best in all our dysfunctional groups; to behave like grinning idiots, be popular, smile like the Stepford Wives and ignore the fact that the world is full of pain, fear, rage, death and horror of our own collective creation? When will the acting out and the denial of it all stop?
Why do we treat FEELINGS as if they were causes rather than the effects of all this? How does numbing ourselves to reality, some of us by FORCE if we don't comply, solve the very real problems we are all being so well trained to just ignore?
Worst of all WHO decides what is ''normal” and that those who are 'different' in any way or outside the parameters of this 'normal' need to be and should be controlled and modified to “fit” the predetermined standard? WHO, or perhaps WHAT is the 'one' who makes that decision?
Who, or what is it, that sits at the top of the pyramid of power and control and defines the nature of reality and the abnormal for all of the rest of us? Is it psychiatry? If it is, then I have a really big problem with that and I am going to tell you all about it here and in relation to my own experiences too.
Right now though I have to answer the automaton on the phone who wants to know, “How are YOU today Mrs. Robertson?” and then I have to go to Miller's department store where a well trained grinning clerk will whip out a pen, draw a circle around the 600 points! which I 'earned' today by shopping there, which are actually worth 7.5 cents, and which she has been specifically trained to do, including the plastic smile that goes with it. Then I have to go to a grocery store where I will enjoy a chorus of voices at the cash registers all asking in unison, Hi there! And how are you today?
I must not ever suggest though that I feel like I am in some sort of reality TV Show where everything said and done seems contrived and artificial, or that I must be in some kind of surreal dream like “the Matrix”, since if I do, it will most likely be perceived as signs of psychosis. After all, all the normal, non psychiatrized, smiling automatons everywhere see no problem; no problem at all. So if I don't want some more “reduction awareness medication” I'd best keep my mouth shut.
Still I will write it here where no one can accuse me of 'confronting' anyone which is apparently bad if I do it, but not bad for those who spew insults at me in public, even though they don't actually know me at all.
I don't know if they are the ones I would like to 'confront' the most or the ones who smile to my face and then tell third parties the “stories” they have heard which they have invented themselves. Of course I am not to see or hear any of this since it has all been defined as my “paranoid delusions and hallucinated conversations.”
I 'hallucinated' one of my long time critics today...a woman who is a stranger to me and I to her, yet she feels entitled to bad mouth me to other strangers (to me) and the group of them get all righteous about what they think they understand, which in fact they have no clue about. This thing spread like wildfire. But I am forced to deny anything happened and that all these people are not doing what they do since it would not 'reasonable' for this to happen.
When you get put through something like this and end up having to go to a psych hospital because you can no longer stay connected to concrete reality since you can't identify it anymore, it is terrifying enough. But when you get there and watch everyone smiling all the time like this was more fun than a barrel of monkeys, it is like being in the Twilight Zone. I Remember thinking, “They ALL look absolutely crazy.”
I think now that was truer than I would have guessed it would turn out to be. This has a whole lot to do with reality being the opposite of itself. That's what makes it all so bizarre; that and the capacity of the masses for engaging so willingly in The Pretence.
I remember that song:
Evil grows in the dark
Where the sun it never shines
Evil grows in cracks and holes
And lives in people's minds.
Trouble is it is often the minds of the wrong 'people' that get psychiatrized in the first place. Many of the real problem people fit right into society as easy as you please. They know what others want to see and hear and so they “comply” like good little automatons, but some of those good 'compliers' are operating with hidden agendas all the time. They are the ones about whom everyone is “shocked” to discover it turns out that they are really well dressed, lovely mannered, serial killers, or embezzlers, or con men for whom society generally has had the greatest respect and admiration. I wonder if we will ever understand enough about ourselves and and the dysfunctional society we have created and called 'good,' to stop being shocked and surprised by this, each and every time it happens?
Speaking of the dysfunctional society, just yesterday, I was given two little 'tests' by my fellow dysfunctional citizens. One of the 'tests' was to see how 'smart “ I am and apparently I failed.
In the other 'test' the testers were looking to see what kind of a reaction they would get and got none since I just ignored them. (You see I have been given the SAME 'test' many times.)
In both versions of the little 'test', the testers were unaware of my awareness of being 'tested.' Therefore, their assessment of my responses is based on their own belief that they are the smarter, more 'normal” minds testing a lower one.
These little tests remind me of lab rat experiments. The experimenter wants to see how fast the lab rat can find it's way through the maze. Before the little test though, the rat talked it over with the other lab rats back in the cage and they decided together that it really did not matter how fast they made it to the finish line since it was never fast enough to suit the lab technician anyway. So they decided to stop running the maze and just wait it out.
Of course the lab technicians had no idea that the rats understood the test was about seeing how fast they would get through the maze and the only reason the rats had co-operated so far in running it, was the faint hope that if they did it fast enough to satisfy the testers, they would get out of that damned lab and go home.
When that proved not to be the case, they saw no further point in running since the motivation to do so was gone.
The lab technicians of course knowing themselves to be the genetic superiors over the lab rats concluded that the rats were all of extremely low intelligence. To what other conclusion could they possibly come as 'objective observers' of an inferior species?
You know I think it is just too hard to try to talk about this in any kind of chronological order so I have decided I am just going to talk about it now as it is happening. I never thought I would do this but I have decided just to open up my journals for others to read...Here they come
Sarah's Journal: Thinking Out Loud...
stay tuned....to be continued